2022: The Year I Finally Snapped
It's also the year I finally took control over my life
It's February 2022
6:55 AM
I just arrived at my job, which was at a donation thrift store. I was one of the managers for the store. My job was to take care of our solicitation walkers while they were out on their routes. I would drive to certain neighborhoods where they start putting flyers on doors for the store. The truck drivers would go to the neighborhood we just did the next day and pick up any donations that people would leave out on their porch.
I clocked in like I usually do, got my paperwork for the day, and made my way down to the van. What I saw once I got there would literally be the last straw for me at this job.
Two of the front tires were flat. The engine gave out from lack of proper maintenance. One of the side doors no longer opened due to one of the walkers slamming the door multiple times. On top of all that, one of the trucks needed maintenance as well, so we were down one truck as well.
I literally snapped!!
I've never yelled so loud and full of rage before until this day. I'm normally a calm individual, but that really lit a fire underneath me. I told these managers over and over again for 4 months straight that we needed to get the vehicles fixed, and their constant negligence finally caught up to today. Needless to say, the managers were shocked that this would happen, which only angered me even further.
It wasn't just the incompetence of the managers and everything else going on at the job that made me snap. It was a culmination of events that built up my stress over time that just happened to explode on this one day.
So, to see where all of this began, we'll have to head back to the year 2020.
2020: A New Future?
"Once you get your first taste of making your own money, you'll never look back." - Tim Denning
The world has been shut down due to the COVID virus that was spreading like wildfire. Unless you were self employed, you pretty much lost your job and were forced to go on unemployment for the foreseeable future. We were all getting pandemic checks every week to help with food necessities and other things that would help us get through the mess. For me, I ended up buying a gaming PC and started doing streams on Twitch.
During the 3 months that we were shut down, I ended up becoming Affiliate and getting small little checks every month from Twitch. This opened my eyes up to something I'll never forget.
I can make money online doing what I love to do.
After witnessing that, all I wanted to do was try to earn money online in my own way so I can have the financial freedom to pursue what I really want out of life. I know I've always seen evidence of this everywhere on social media, but to actually experience making your own money is a completely different feeling. You can now see the opportunities that you otherwise thought was just entertainment to scroll through.
I wasn't seeing social media as mindless scrolling apps anymore, but as ways to connect with people that are on the same path as you. It's also a great source of information if you're just starting out on something. So many great experts out there if you look deep enough in the right places. Of course, there's also a cesspool of people with just memes and post bad stuff, but you only see them if you curate your algorithm feed like that.
I became a part of this streaming team called "The Fraternity." They helped me a lot when it came to me getting Affiliate. I thank them very much for that. The only thing that I didn't like about them was their leader. He was a guy who just had weirdo-like behavior. He didn't show it when he was promoting things and making connections, but whenever he was on stream, he put on a mask and just tried to entertain people. It just felt fake to me.
It made me wonder if this is what it took to grow on the platform. If so, I really wanted nothing to do with it. I stayed with it though since I made a commitment to it.
June 2020: The Return Back
Around June, I got the call from my boss that it was now time to come back to work. I honestly really didn't want to go back since I was enjoying my time making money on my own. In hindsight, I should've just said "No, thank you" and quit, but I ended up choosing to go back to work to help out with re-opening the store.
This would turn out to be the biggest mistake of my life.
Upon arriving back to work, we were severely understaffed. We only had one truck to use for two routes, which had you out there until 6:00 PM with no overtime pay because you're on salary.
It was BRUTAL.
All of the heavy donations we had really couldn't fit all into one truck; we ended up having to make multiple trips back and forth from the route to the store just to drop off some donations and head back out.
On top of all this, the walkers were now down to 3 people rather than a full 6 person squad, so they were doing double the walking just to get enough donation flyers out there for the store. The walker manager during that time ended up quitting and moved on to become a bus driver for the city making triple what he was making before.
The store managers tried for weeks to get another person to drive the walkers, but everyone refused to do the work. When they ended up asking me about it, I was a little hesitant at first. I really didn't want the responsibility on my back. I didn't know if I could be a good manager or not. After a little thinking, I figured why not get the experience so that way I can see if I can handle the pressure.
Yeah…I shouldn't have done it.
Not because I was an incapable manager, but because of all of the bullshit that I had to deal with the store managers. These ladies really did not know how to run the store. They would always "play it by ear" when it came to decisions about what to do throughout the day. I suggested one day that we develop a good system or something that would regulate things so we all have a plan and know exactly what we're doing every day.
Nope. They would say, "We'll just play it by ear, Fred."
This kind of thinking would later be their downfall in the next couple of years.
July-December 2020: The Roller Coaster of Management
I'm now the manager of the walkers. I was honestly feeling pretty good at this point. I was going to try something new that I've never done before. I've never been a leader before, so this was going to be good practice.
Little did I know how difficult and chaotic it would be.
Due to them being understaffed, the walkers were already in a state of mind where they just didn't care for the job. They just wanted to get through the day. After seeing what they were going through, I couldn't let them do it on their own. Being a former walker myself, I ended up helping them out with one half of each route while they handled the other half. Seeing me helping them out instead of just driving around really boosted their morale and they were able to conquer the next few months.
We had a few new walkers get hired, but thanks to the store managers, they turned out to be a combination of people that are not really qualified for the job. One was a neurodivergent person who couldn't walk for long periods of time. Another one was a bonafide crackhead (he literally would snort crack in the van). A couple of others were not too bad, but they always came in late and sometimes left the flyers on the doorstep instead of hanging them. One customer threatened to sue us for littering on his property for that.
A few months in and I already knew I was a little in over my head, but I pushed through it thinking that the experience will teach me something.
Well, it did teach me something.
It taught me how to lead people, plan a day out, plan a route out for efficiency instead of hard work, and how to communicate better with people. It also taught me that the higher ups will pretty much dump whatever work they don't want to do on you, as though you're supposed to solve all of their problems as well.
It all just became too overwhelming for me, especially as a person with Asperger's. There's only so much sensory overload I can take before I start to feel a little anxious.
During my management phase, I was also working on my streaming side hustle and making YouTube videos. The first gaming videos I made were freaking awful, but I was just learning how to edit, so I didn't beat myself up for it. I've since deleted them since I wanted to make my channel more focused on my true passion: making electronic music.
I had a good momentum going for a little while, but unfortunately due to the heavy weight of my responsibility at work, plus streaming to nobody for 4 hours just to get 1 follow, and just overall feeling like I wasn't going anywhere, I ended up taking a hiatus from it.
This was the moment in "beginner hell" where I ended up caving under the pressure and not pushing forward. I ended up regressing.
2021: The Year of Reflection
"There are two types of pain you will go through in life, the pain of discipline and the pain of regret. Discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons." - Jim Rohn
During the majority of the year 2021, I was starting to get used to being a manager. I was fair to the other walkers. I showed up every day 10 minutes early. I got everything ready for the day before everyone showed up. Things were looking pretty good.
All except for one thing: my mental health.
Around March, during one of the routes I was doing with the walkers, I felt this overwhelming sense of guilt rush over me. It hurt so bad that I couldn't help but cry at the moment. My mind was in disarray. I lost all sense of self for a good 10 minutes. I went back to the van to calm myself down and try to see what I was feeling so guilty for. After a good meditation, I found out that it was a deep guilt I felt for not being able to make it to my Grandma's funeral back in 2019.
Reflecting back on it, I would've had the means to make it over there if it wasn't for my bad spending habits at the time. I spent the majority of my money on things that really didn't matter in the end. Music plugins, instruments, weed, games. Instead of saving my money to be able to see her, or, better yet, get a car, I chose to spend it recklessly on stuff.
Now, she's gone.
I'll never be able to see her again. I'll never see her smile, smell those fresh apple pies she made, or feel her warm tender heart ever again.
This completely shifted my whole perspective.
I've been so focused on the wrong things in life. I always thought that in order to be successful, you had to be some big star that everyone looks up to. I figured you needed to have influence and a lot of followers. I was brainwashed by all of these success videos to think that you need all of these material things to be wealthy.
My true wealth came from my Grandma's wisdom, love, and care. Those tender moments when we were together and she would tell me, "Go ahead and get whatever you like." I would always tell her, "I'm good, Grandma. I appreciate it, but I just like hanging out with you."
I felt emotionally exhausted after the day. I didn't have a car during the time, so Mom agreed to drive me home. As soon as I entered the car, she could tell that something was off. I told her about everything that happened, and she felt really bad. She tried her best to cheer me up like she normally does. It would usually work. Not this time. This was a deep scar within my soul. This wasn't something you can fix with a simple kiss and a hug.
For about 2 months, I was stuck in a perpetual loop of regret and self punishment. I would constantly beat myself up for not being able to make it, and how I continue to have the same habits that brought about the same circumstances.
I tried to get back into streaming to try and keep up with my peers. This only amounted to more stress that I was putting on myself. I was not only going through an intense internal battle with myself, but I was also putting pressure on myself to grow my channel. The frustration bled into my work and a lot of my supporters really started to notice. They tried to offer help, but I just brushed it off just saying, "I'm just tired, but the grind continues, man."
After much consideration, I decided to take another hiatus from streaming and making content for YouTube. I didn't want to, but the immense frustration I was feeling from seeing my peers advance so fast started to get to me. If I didn't stop now, I probably was going to hurt myself.
2022: The Last Straw
"People don't change until they are sick of being sick." - Dan Koe
By 2022, I was spiritually shattered and emotionally exhausted from fighting an internal battle of regrets and harsh self-criticism. I was lost. I couldn't feel life anymore. Every day just blended in from one to the next.
There were plenty of days when I contemplated ending my own life because of the immense pain I was feeling. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror anymore without seeing a complete failure. People weren't lying when they said the pain of regret weighs tons.
This brings us back to where we started at the beginning of this essay.
After completely losing it at my job, I told my boss that since we're not going to be able to drive anywhere today that I would like to take the rest of the day off. She was reluctant at first, but after seeing the look on my face, she obliged. On the bus ride home, I couldn't help but think back on my whole life and how unfulfilled I was with it.
I've done everything to make people like me, and all that did was get me used by people. I did everything to make my Mom happy, but I was never happy in the end. I did things to try and get validation from others, only to find out they don't even care anyways.
I wanted to end it all so bad. The pain was just too much to bear. Before I could go through with it, a flash of my Mom appeared before my eyes; then a flash of my whole family. Dad, my brother, my cousins, pets. At that moment, I realized that while taking my own life would ease my pain, it would cause extreme turmoil amongst my family for the foreseeable future. I just couldn't do that to them. Not after everything they've done for me. So, I took the first step towards healing myself. I went to therapy.
I had an awesome therapist. Instead of the usual types who just prescribed you some medication to feel numb to the pain, my therapist helped me out with every single cognitive dysfunction I had by helping me find the root cause of it.
Like a plant, if you yank it out from the roots, it dies. It no longer has the fertilized soil to keep growing. It's the same with your thoughts. Once you find the root cause of certain beliefs you have, you can yank them out by replacing them with better perspectives. It takes time and repetition, but just like a newly planted seed, with enough love and care, the new thought will sprout and become a fully realized belief.
A few months after I started my therapy sessions, my brother's girlfriend recommended me to a new job where she works, being a merchandiser for flowers. Without hesitation, I applied for the job because I just wanted to get away from the thrift store. I was hired the same day of my interview. Once I saw the kind of hours I was going to get, I was really happy. I now have more time to relax and do the things I want to do to make the life I want to make.
Reflections
2022 was a very pivotal year for me.
It marked a point in life where I just became completely fed up with where my life was going. I've worked jobs throughout all of my 20s and I have nothing to show for it.
I was always paid chump change for 9 hours of my time that I'll never get back. Even when I tried to save money, a big emergency would drain all the money I had. There was just no time to relax other than the weekends.
This is not the life I want!
I want to own my time. I want to be able to wake up and enjoy a sunrise for once. No alarms telling me I need to do something. I want to make music every day and have that be a source of income in a way. I want to write every day; not on a phone at a job I hate, but in an office that overlooks a great view of nature.
In short, I want agency over my life!
2022 was the catalyst for this change. While I still work a 9-5 job as a merchandiser for flowers, the hours are flexible enough that I can start to pursue my creative endeavors every day for a few hours.
All that's left now is to keep heading in this new direction. I don't know where it will take me. All I know is that anything is better than what I have going for me now.
Thank you for reading. I really appreciate your time and attention. Let me know in the comments of this story resonated with you or if you just want to share a few words. If you would like to keep up with my upcoming stories and meditations, feel free to Subscribe.
Much love. See you next time.
Frederick